The Ugendo Fiasco
by St. Harridan
Summary: After tons of useless directions from his lieutenant, Kenpachi finally arrives at Ukitake's, only to find another guest taking over his place.


**Summary: **After tons of useless directions from his lieutenant, Kenpachi finally arrives at Ukitake's, only to find another guest taking over his place.

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><p><span>The Ugendo Fiasco<span>

"That way, Ken-chan!"

And when Kenpachi turned right, he came face to face with yet another dead end. The vein in his temple was just about to burst, and he turned on the pink-haired child perched on his shoulder, an expression of mild puzzlement painted across her face.

"_This _way, eh?" he growled lowly, trying his best to restrain his vexation. They had been going around and around the Seireitei in circles since early morning, and now the noon sun beat down on them without mercy, mocking them for their apparent stupidity. But really, who in their right mind could possibly get lost in the Seireitei after living in it for the past century? Kenpachi wiped the back of his sweaty neck, retracing his steps to the main road. "Now what, brat?"

"Um…" Yachiru pressed an index finger to her cheek, looking this way and that, and even up towards the sky. Kenpachi folded his arms across his chest, impatiently tapping his foot.

"Well? I ain't got all day, runt."

"Okay, fine!" She pointed ahead of them, kicking her legs and hitting his back with the tips of her toes. "That'a way!"

Kenpachi turned to her, uncertainty clearly expressed through his frown. "Ye sure?"

"If you don't believe me, go on and pick your _own _way!" She pouted, smacking the back of his head. "But don't blame _me _if we're late to Ukki's! I still want my candy, and _you _owe me!"

"We're _already _late, ye brat," Kenpachi muttered, but took off in the suggested path nonetheless. Minutes later, and very much to the large man's surprise, the muffled sounds of chattering reached his ears. He and Yachiru exchanged glances; Yachiru's eyes brightened up minutely, Kenpachi pressed a finger to his lips and tapped his way to an awfully familiar, white-washed building whose compound was surrounded by gates that towered high above him. Without having to be ordered, Yachiru leaped off his shoulder and onto the gate, small form lithely climbing all the way up to its peak.

"Ye done, Yachiru?" Kenpachi hissed when she was taking too long, receiving a beam in reply and the child landing on his face in the next moment. "What'd ye see?"

"Shun-shun and Ukki're havin' tea out on the balcony," she whispered, as if they were on some top-secret mission, face comically scrunched up in concentration.

"What?" Kenpachi's tone was flat, the question coming out more like a statement as a slightly murderous intent gave his spiritual pressure a spike. "_Kyoraku's _in there? Ye sure ye didn't mistake 'em with someone else? Like that Unohana woman or those two idiot Third Seats?"

Yachiru shook her head with enough force for Kenpachi to expect it to roll right off her shoulders. "You don't believe me, do you, Ken-chan?" She poked him in the temple, scowling. "Then why don't _you _go and see for yourself?"

Kenpachi swiped her hand away, growling, and tilted his head back to look up at the gate. It was significantly high – he wondered why Jushiro even made such a ridiculously huge gate; the man could keep criminals at bay with his spiritual pressure without even lifting a finger – and he was a fairly large and heavy man. With his lips pursed, he came to a decision and made for the main entrance. He'd just have to break it to Kyoraku that it was time for him to go, and that Jushiro had actually been waiting for _him_. If only there was a damned map to follow, Kenpachi wouldn't have gotten entangled with Yachiru's poor sense of direction, and they'd arrive a lot sooner. He made a mental note to ask Jushiro for one when the child latched on to his head with both her hands, tugging it back.

"Ken-chan, wait!" She twisted his head around, and he had no choice but to let her steer him back to the towering wall. "I've an idea – let's scare Ukki!"

"Let's _what _Ukitake?" Kenpachi pried away her hands whose nails were literally _digging _into his skin, growling in warning. "No way in damned hell. Stupidest thing I ever heard comin' outta yer mouth, runt." But mid-way through his protest, she had launched herself right up the gate again and now sat on its peak. "Brat, get down here!" But he only received a stuck-out tongue in response. With an exasperated groan, he stepped towards the main entrance again, only to have Yachiru dropping right onto his head just before his fingers came in contact with the door.

"Ken-chan, Ken-chan," she whispered loudly in his ear, "Shun-shun's gone to the toilet. Now's your chance! Go, go, go!"

"I ain't doin' no stupid shit like that, Yachiru. Ye can count on that," he said, his tone dangerously calm. The whine that reached his ears immediately turned on him, and he found himself staring up at the wall once again with a cheering Yachiru perched on his head. "There's always the _proper _way to enter and scare the livin' shit outta 'em, y'know." Kenpachi scratched his cheek, uneasy, stealing a glance back at said "proper" entrance.

"But that's no _fun_, Ken-chan!"

"Ukitake'll kill me, an' I'm gonna have ye t'blame for this."

"Or does Ken-chan want Shun-shun to have the rest of the evening with Ukki?"

And in the next moment, Jushiro found himself tumbling onto his back, the balcony engulfed by dust and debris from the sudden, deafening explosion. He felt a weight pressing down on him, pinning his wrists on either side of him. With his spiritual pressure spiking with a threat, he tried to break free, but his efforts were in vain. A high-pitched squeal, a deep low laugh, and he stopped short.

"Go, go, Ken-chan!"

"Hah, easy as fuckin' pie."

When the smoke cleared, Jushiro found himself staring up at a wide, predatory grin, and his eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. "_Zaraki_?"

Kenpachi mock-saluted, while Yachiru gave him a wave. "Yo."

Jushiro was about to demand such incredulities when a surge of bile rose up his throat, causing him to choke, and he curled up on his side to cough up a storm. Heat accumulated fast, and blood began trickling down the sides of his mouth while his heart pounded, fast and furious, against the walls of his chest.

"Ken-chan, look what you did!" Yachiru gasped, and leaped off his shoulder to see how her "Ukki" was faring, but Kenpachi caught her by the back of her collar before she came to a landing.

"Go play with 'em carps, I'll take care o' this." The tone in Kenpachi's low growl wasn't one to be fooled around with, and Yachiru knew this. She nodded in understanding and, with a concerned glance back at the sick man, scampered away down to the _zen _garden. Part of it lay in ruins now, thanks to Kenpachi's show of skill, bits and pieces of the wall having flown all over the place, but fortunately the pond was left untouched.

"Whoa, Ukitake, ye all right?" Kenpachi rolled the man over so that he was lying on his back and peered down at him. Jushiro, straining a curse between his coughs, curled up once again, and Kenpachi could do nothing but stroke his back to ease the pain. He was more than familiar with these sudden attacks, but never did he imagine being part of the cause.

"Damn you and your…" Jushiro wheezed once it was over, lying back, drained from having to deal with his illness. It took a lot out of him – and though Kenpachi knew this, he found it rather amusing to be part of the scene. What with the broken gate, messed up garden that once used to hold the Ukitake Family's prized bonsai – he was sure he'd ruined more than half of Jushiro's little trees – and the man himself lying spread out under him, sweaty and covered in debris.

Kenpachi couldn't help but laugh, bending down to nuzzle his face in apology. "Ye an' yer fragile lil' ass. Makes for a pretty eventful evenin', eh?"

"_Don't _touch me…" Jushiro swiped at his head weakly, but Kenpachi caught his hand and brought it to his lips to kiss his palm.

"What the fuck's Kyoraku doin' 'ere anyway? Thought I was gonna be the guest o' honour or some shit?"

"Well, Shunsui was early and you were late," Jushiro snapped, though meek, and wriggled his hand free. "Does that answer your question?"

"Ye need t'give me a goddamned map, Ukitake." Kenpachi lowered himself, but was careful not to put too much weight on the smaller man. A gasp, and he looked up to find the maidservant, Haruko, standing there in the doorway. Her wide eyes were filled with fear – the norm whenever he was around – and Kenpachi didn't even have to move a muscle to make her disappear out of sight. A glare would have made her drop unconscious anyway, and despite how much Kenpachi just wanted to scare the living hell right out of her, he controlled himself – best not to push Jushiro past his limits. Destroying his gates was one thing, messing with the bonsai was another.

"You don't _need _a damn map, Zaraki," Jushiro muttered, his half-hearted attempts to push his lover away failing miserably. "Now will you _please _get off me before Shunsui returns?"

"No can do, ol' man." Kenpachi wiped the blood from the sides of Jushiro's mouth with a thumb, a gentle and unexpected gesture that made Jushiro blink in puzzlement, caught by surprise, and that was when Kenpachi took advantage to capture his lips. The coppery taste of blood filled his mouth, but that only made him deepen the kiss. At the back of his mind, the captain of the Fourth was indeed doing a rather shitty job at trying to cure Jushiro.

_Best healer o' the Seireitei my ass_. Kenpachi placed a kiss to Jushiro's forehead before he got off him and pulled him effortlessly to his feet. "Ye ain't got anythin' planned for t'night, do ye?"

"I do, actually," Jushiro replied curtly, brushing the debris off his yukata, ignoring the softening of his heart at Kenpachi's previous gestures. "Shunsui and I are supposed to have dinner, and after that a little game of shogi. Just the two of us," he added, as if for further reinforcement.

"Oh, yeah?" The glint in Kenpachi's eye proved that he didn't buy it, and in the next moment he pulled Jushiro to his chest and draped him over his shoulder like a sack of rice. "Well, that sissy drunkard can kiss my ass. Yachiru, we're headin' out!"

Yachiru latched herself onto her father's head, flashing a grin at the disbelieving look on Jushiro's face. "Hang on tight, Ukki!"

"What is this – Zaraki, put me down!"

"Ain't no way am I lettin' go of yer ass." Kenpachi gave his backside a playful pinch, squeezing a yelp out of the older captain, and stole out of the compound.

And when Kyoraku returned, stumbling over himself, trying to pull his hakama on properly, he found the ruined garden, the messed up bonsai, and the balcony empty.


End file.
